To love her, is to have finally met myself.

I knew I could eventually get back in the saddle, if ever it became important to me again. But for her,  for her I wanted it to be real, for the first and most likely the last time. For the only time a love this strong would be available, in it's most unconditional form, for her hands to grasp. I wanted it to be hers because she deserved it. I wanted it to set her free. I wanted it because to love like this, I am my truest self.

Brokeback Mountain

Life is a constant evolution. The person are today is not the person you were yesterday, a month ago or most certainly the person you were a year ago.
You meet people, you lose some people and your life just keeps moving along, sometimes at a pace that you can hardly keep up with. Sometimes at a pace so painfully slow that you can't do anything more than stare at the clock and watch it's methodical work. It ticks one tick at a time, 60 ticks making one minute.

Brokeback Mountain started 3 years ago. My heart was lost and sullen, I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again. She changed that then and she changed it again.
She's gone now for the second time but will Brokeback Mountain ever come back?

As the movie goes, Brokeback Mountain comes back to reignite,  over and over until one of the characters in that particular love story dies.

Am I dead now or will this stir again as it has before?

Will there be a postcard from Ennis? 
Even a few articles of clothing remains in my closet. I couldn't dream of erasing what was by tossing them all away.

And so now its time to stand on my feet, brush off my jeans and "cowboy up." I just never expected the fall.

My Life's Purpose - How it came about.

I struggle frequently to recapture many of the memories from my childhood. Few are so clear and vivid as the first time I saw our dog Mitzy. The full circle aspect comes to mind and thinking of how much love I had for her delivers one of those Oprah "A-ha" moments. 
Mitzy was an American Cocker Spaniel (mix), I assume with knowledge of the majority of AKC breeds. Bearing in mind that the AKC know what they are looking for in standard of breed, yet has little knowledge or regard in their actual health. 
Mitzy was skinny, matted and afraid when we saw her. Nervously pacing down by the barn. We assumed that she had gotten away from a neighboring farm, where I'm sure she faced a life of neglect. It looked like she had been on her own for a bit, nonetheless. 
The bravery it must have taken for her to wander onto my aunt and uncle's farm must have been immeasurable. To have wandered off or to have been left on the side of the road by another human and to realize she didn't have much hope if she didn't find another human to try to trust with her life and those lives of her unborn puppies, must rival the most deeply rooted worries and uncertainty. 

I believe it was my mom who took her to the humane society. My mom told the people that worked there that as soon as they had completed necessary veterinary evaluations and vaccination updates that they were to "hold that dog for her," and she'd come immediately to pick her up. Knowing she was carrying a large sum of puppies inside would have changed nothing, I'm afraid.
This dog turned out to be the most loving animal I'd ever known. I remember sitting on the floor, I kissed her back (in my mind I was kissing her boo-boo) as the vets thought there was a possibility that she had a hairline fracture in her pelvis. I remember that moment clearly because I had began to cry. I was wrought with the emotion of why someone would have treated her as they did. I had only known her a day or two and I had already fallen deeply in love with her. I told her, I promised her in that moment that she'd know no other abuse and know no other home. I think my specific words were a bit more simplistic, as I was only about 7 years old, and probably more along the lines of "no one will ever hurt you again and you can stay with us forever."

She was a nurturing, motherly dog. I anticipate she was this way from having a litter (or more) in her life. I feel she looked after my sister and I, put up with our pesterings, licked tears from our faces and cuddled with our other Cocker Spaniel, Cinnamon while they both avoided constant harassment from our dachshund, Tiny. 

The last time Mitzy licked a tear from my face was a life changing day for me. A complete game changer. 
Due to various painfully and increasingly more obvious circumstances, I figured out that my parents were getting a divorce. This shortly before my 9th or 10th birthday. I had suspicion but how, at that age I knew, is beyond me. The most painful part for me was not necessarily the separation of family but that in the down-grade of from house to duplex, my mom sister and I were facing, we also had to re-home Cinnamon and Mitzy.
The physical and emotional pain involved with having to give your pets away, to a little girl like myself was nothing short of being palpable. When I was told, my stomach hurt, I couldn't catch my breath and I was dizzy. I ran toward my bedroom, made it to my doorway and shrunk down the door frame. I imagine I was emitting mournful, gut wrenching and heart sick noises. I could hear my mom in the kitchen frantically dialing my grandparents to come over and help her contain the heart and souls of her two daughters who were actively being stripped of what they knew to be everything that was important. 
I was sobbing, in between sobs I was calling for Mitzy. I needed her to come bury her head in my chest while I wrapped my arms around her and let everything that hurt come pouring down in sheets, from my face. I remember I just kept calling and when I opened my eyes, I realized that she was already there, before me. She was trembling and quietly whimpering, probably with a certain fear of what could be the cause of such chaos. The chaos that at the time she didn't realize would undoubtedly separate her from us, indefinitely. 

Mitzy was the first dog I shared a deep human / animal bond with and the love she made me feel has served to form my entire life's purpose. She taught me unconditional love, and through her struggle, taught me that I am no more deserving than any one animal I share existence with, near or far. She was my first broken heart, watching she and Cinnamon get into another's car and go for a ride, to their new home was one of the most difficult things I've ever faced in my life (there's a small list). It was definitely one of those moments in time that will never be forgotten, where adult views of childhood memories has no power of changing how the reel played, and never will. 

Social Standards

There comes a point when you have to recognize some things in life. Some of those things will change you your life for thw better.
There's nothing wrong with you if another doesn't treat you with the moral and social integrity that you would them. Or anyone else,  for that matter. 
Step back, recognize you have not created it by anything you've done, nor is it any of your responsibility to own it. Take a second to hold the person in the light and then move forward again, toward your own. Just keep moving forward.

Broken

In being able to admit that you are broken, you are less broken than most.

Mayberry; How I've evolved, what I've taken away and how it shaped me.

To expand on my last post "It's Home," I wanted to write something about why what was written in the post would feel like home and why it would heal me.

I grew up in a small community, one a lot like Mayberry.
In "Mayberry" everyone knew who's kid you were and if they didn't know that, they probably could figure it out if you told them who your grandparents were. They knew you by your blue eyes, or blond hair. They knew what church you belonged to, if you went to Sunday school last Sunday and most "importantly" if you had been baptized in the name of Christ.
As much as my world has expanded since my up bringing, I've tried as best I can to take from it what I valued. The closeness of neighbor (even if your neighbor was a few cornfields away), the willingness to help, and the peace and beauty that nature provides are all the things that I hold very near and dear to me.
A long with all the things stated above, my family was very close knit for quite some time. My grandparents owned a farm, and had the biggest, most beautiful garden I'd ever seen. I used to brag to my friends that it was as big as a football field, I guess everything looks bigger when seen through youthful eyes. The weekends were always time to hang out with cousins, have lunch at grandma's and then go pick beans and berries and all the other wonderful things the football field garden would yield of my grandparents hard work.  Some of my best memories are from grandma and grandpa's house, picking berries was just one. Our family was close, and that was the standard I was brought up by. No one was aloud to leave angry, and you don't hang up the phone without saying "I love you."
When I was a kid, my house was full of all sorts of animals. From flying squirrels to goats and eventually owning a horse, my love of animals was developed instantly and continued to evolve, of my mother's. Every single job I've ever had (less the waitress job I had for a total of 3 months, or less) revolved around animals. I started helping my mom at her grooming shop, when I turned 14, just as soon as I could be issued a workers permit. After that I worked at two different Morgan show horse / training, breeding and boarding facilities. In caring for and working with horses, I learned the basis of how to understand every other species of animal that I now work with in small animal practice.

Even though the majority of my blood family has moved away and I've had to rebuild what I have, from the ground up, the one thing I've noticed about life, particularly mine is that everything comes full circle. I've learned that having animals in my life is as essential as breathing. Having family in your life that you've hand selected, animals included, is as good as any blood family. Giving back to the people and things that have given to you, having a garden, living in nature, living sustainable, living peacefully, living fully - those are all things I've learned. Elements I've pulled from my childhood.
And that's why the farm, the land, the coffee, the dogs, the horse(s), all of the animals in need, no longer in need, the field, the whippoorwill and the fences will heal me.

Because it is all of me. It will be my foundation, MY home, and one day, I will have it.

It's Home

As I walk down the corridors of my mind, to investigate what thoughts are my own. 

I see the most beautiful view that I may have ever known.

A beautiful piece of land, hardly touched by humanly needs.

And just to the west, a field full of fat, contently grazing steeds. 

Coffee in hand, dog at my feet.

Breathing in life before the afternoon heat. 

The dew sets prisms of color cascading through the tall grasses of the wild grown fields. 

Reveling in the fact that one day this place will be all mine. 

The place where my heart and soul will heal.

It's Home.