I struggle frequently to recapture many of the memories from my childhood. Few are so clear and vivid as the first time I saw our dog Mitzy. The full circle aspect comes to mind and thinking of how much love I had for her delivers one of those Oprah "A-ha" moments.
Mitzy was an American Cocker Spaniel (mix), I assume with knowledge of the majority of AKC breeds. Bearing in mind that the AKC know what they are looking for in standard of breed, yet has little knowledge or regard in their actual health.
Mitzy was skinny, matted and afraid when we saw her. Nervously pacing down by the barn. We assumed that she had gotten away from a neighboring farm, where I'm sure she faced a life of neglect. It looked like she had been on her own for a bit, nonetheless.
The bravery it must have taken for her to wander onto my aunt and uncle's farm must have been immeasurable. To have wandered off or to have been left on the side of the road by another human and to realize she didn't have much hope if she didn't find another human to try to trust with her life and those lives of her unborn puppies, must rival the most deeply rooted worries and uncertainty.
I believe it was my mom who took her to the humane society. My mom told the people that worked there that as soon as they had completed necessary veterinary evaluations and vaccination updates that they were to "hold that dog for her," and she'd come immediately to pick her up. Knowing she was carrying a large sum of puppies inside would have changed nothing, I'm afraid.
This dog turned out to be the most loving animal I'd ever known. I remember sitting on the floor, I kissed her back (in my mind I was kissing her boo-boo) as the vets thought there was a possibility that she had a hairline fracture in her pelvis. I remember that moment clearly because I had began to cry. I was wrought with the emotion of why someone would have treated her as they did. I had only known her a day or two and I had already fallen deeply in love with her. I told her, I promised her in that moment that she'd know no other abuse and know no other home. I think my specific words were a bit more simplistic, as I was only about 7 years old, and probably more along the lines of "no one will ever hurt you again and you can stay with us forever."
She was a nurturing, motherly dog. I anticipate she was this way from having a litter (or more) in her life. I feel she looked after my sister and I, put up with our pesterings, licked tears from our faces and cuddled with our other Cocker Spaniel, Cinnamon while they both avoided constant harassment from our dachshund, Tiny.
The last time Mitzy licked a tear from my face was a life changing day for me. A complete game changer.
Due to various painfully and increasingly more obvious circumstances, I figured out that my parents were getting a divorce. This shortly before my 9th or 10th birthday. I had suspicion but how, at that age I knew, is beyond me. The most painful part for me was not necessarily the separation of family but that in the down-grade of from house to duplex, my mom sister and I were facing, we also had to re-home Cinnamon and Mitzy.
The physical and emotional pain involved with having to give your pets away, to a little girl like myself was nothing short of being palpable. When I was told, my stomach hurt, I couldn't catch my breath and I was dizzy. I ran toward my bedroom, made it to my doorway and shrunk down the door frame. I imagine I was emitting mournful, gut wrenching and heart sick noises. I could hear my mom in the kitchen frantically dialing my grandparents to come over and help her contain the heart and souls of her two daughters who were actively being stripped of what they knew to be everything that was important.
I was sobbing, in between sobs I was calling for Mitzy. I needed her to come bury her head in my chest while I wrapped my arms around her and let everything that hurt come pouring down in sheets, from my face. I remember I just kept calling and when I opened my eyes, I realized that she was already there, before me. She was trembling and quietly whimpering, probably with a certain fear of what could be the cause of such chaos. The chaos that at the time she didn't realize would undoubtedly separate her from us, indefinitely.
Mitzy was the first dog I shared a deep human / animal bond with and the love she made me feel has served to form my entire life's purpose. She taught me unconditional love, and through her struggle, taught me that I am no more deserving than any one animal I share existence with, near or far. She was my first broken heart, watching she and Cinnamon get into another's car and go for a ride, to their new home was one of the most difficult things I've ever faced in my life (there's a small list). It was definitely one of those moments in time that will never be forgotten, where adult views of childhood memories has no power of changing how the reel played, and never will.
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